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At a national seminar a few years ago, the speaker- a sixth degree black belt- asked the audience, made up of over 250 black belt instructors, the following question; “If I could give you $100, 000 right now for your black belt and all of the positive experiences and attributes you’ve gained as a result of achieving that black belt, how many of you would take my check?” Not a single hand went up. However, ask any black belt if there was a time during his or her training that there was a temptation to quit, and you will almost always get a “yes”. Ask that same black belt if he or she wishes now that they’d just given up when tempted, however, and they’ll almost always tell you “No Way!!”.

The personal attributes of perseverance and goal attainment- learning to set goals and achieve them- are perhaps the most important and valuable qualities acquired by a martial artist during the course of his or her training. This is the quality that separates the doer from the quitter, throughout a lifetime- whether in pursuit of a college degree, a career challenge, or a difficult personal situation.

The very structure of the black belt ranking system provides a systematic way for students to set and meet goals. Young people need to have realistic goals that mean something to them. They also need our support and motivation to achieve them.

As students move into out intermediate and advanced programs, they begin to internalize the mental aspects of character, self-esteem, self-control, and concentration, along with the ongoing development of strength, balance, leverage, timing, and advancement of other martial arts skills.

As challenges increase and rank promotion begins to require more work, however, it’s not uncommon for young students to become temporarily discouraged. It’s up to us as parents and instructors to make the difference between a child who meets and overcomes challenges and one who merely gives up. Your encouragement of your child’s efforts takes on new significance at this time.

As a parent, you will experience both joys and challenges during your child’s journey to Black Belt. Here are some tools to help you effectively meet some of those challenges.

SITUATION: your child is playing outdoors and doesn’t want to attend class today.

UNDERSTANDING: The format of the day probably hasn’t been explained to the child. Therefore, he/she doesn’t feel a part of the family plan for the day’s events. This can be eliminated just by letting he/she know that they are a part of the big picture. Begin your day by outlining the day’s events so that you child will develop predictability in his/ her life. Predictability will eliminate your child thinking that his life is like a blow of the wind, but is planned, with goals set and accomplished, and very rewarding because of the structure you have established.

REPLY: “Alicia, your class starts in 30 minutes. Remember we talked about you going to class this morning when we were having breakfast.” “Yes Ma’am” (Go to class) “I don’t want to go to class today.” “We have committed to attend twice a week. If you don’t go today, then you’ll have to make it up on Wednesday. If you want to make it up on Wednesday, you’ll have to call Mr. Bogdanski and tell him your plan. Or, what do you say let’s just go on to class today.” “Well, I’ll just go now” or “O.K. I’ll call Mr. Bogdanski.”

SITUATION: Your son wants to quit.

UNDERSTANDING: This is not a seasonal sport. This activity is a way of life; a way to learn life’s rules- how to finish what you start, how to be patient, self-controlled, truthful and build other important character traits. Our “Words of the Week” discuss how to use many moral characteristics. This is very valuable in our self-development program. The children love the class, but have a short focus on goals; that’s why they have parents, to keep them focused on their goals. If the parents are weak and give in to the emotional moment, then they are allowing the child to quit something beneficial in their life.

REPLY: Positive reinforcement works best. “Alex, look at your belt. Wow! An orange belt with two stripes. You’re doing so well and we are so proud of you. Can I call your grandmother and let her know what a great job you’re doing?”  Short-term goals work best at this moment. Don’t deny. Just delay. “Son, let’s get through this belt and then we’ll talk about it. You need to get your Black Belt because you’re not just any son on earth- you’re my son and my son is a winner because he finishes what he starts!!”

When to praise your child. When a child knows you care a great deal for them, then your care allows them to create a great deal of belief within themselves. Any time they have been challenged and met the challenged and met the challenge, reward them with your praise. Look for times to praise. Kids want to feel good about their station in life and praise helps them feel good. Parents, you have to be committed before your child can be committed. They can’t drive. Sometimes a parent feels that their job is to be a taxi cab driver and sometimes the taxi driver doesn’t want to go unless the kid begs.

A parent’s job is to set the child’s rules and to nurture the child until the rules are part of the child’s value system. Affirmations such as “Quitters never win and winners never quit.” ; ”As long as I try, I am somebody who can accomplish my goal, no matter what it takes” ; “Day by day, I’m getting better and better!” ; ”I am born to win.” can have a powerful effect on teaching and maintaining motivation.

“From the greatest sincerity comes the greatest achievement.”- Confucius

Parents, let’s face a cold, hard fact. You are intimately responsible for designing, developing and instilling your child’s value system. It is true that if you “train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it. “When a child turns out to be worthless, the parents are blamed but, when your child turns out to be priceless, you will be praised.

May you and your child’s vision of tying the Black Belt around him/her soon become a reality. Together we can make it happen!!